content warning: I talk about genital mutilation in this post.
I think that my penis being circumcised was probably the number one thing that I don't like in my life. I was going to write a big post about this, but I just left a DBT session that talked about radical acceptance and I wanted to reflect on this here.
Radical acceptance is about seeing reality as it is and being ok with the here and now. I like that it says that reality has caused the past to happen and that this is what the present is like.
It does NOT mean that you approve or don't take seriously that this thing happened. Just that you are ok with it and will live with it.
I feel like I was harmed and I deserved to have a whole body and that if this thing didn't happened, I would have this. I feel sad that I don't have my body as it was supposed to be, that I can't really feel sexual pleasure and won't have experiences that other people have and that I should have. I feel angry that my parents and doctors did this to me, that the way the world works made this happen, that other people are also experiencing this and that it is still happening today. I feel some kind of shame that I was violated and that this terrible thing is part of me.
I want to practice radical acceptance by allowing myself to feel whatever negative emotions that come up; allowing myself to feel my whole body as it is now, embody it and not reject it; and let this acceptance make me proud that I can overcome hard and painful things and go on to live a life true to my values.
One thing I want to do is to practice running. I want to work up my stamina to run 8 miles again because I want to go back to this place in my hometown that is very peaceful. It is a loop that goes to a high place surrounded by green trees and air that smells like spaghetti leaf.
Here's to loving myself and living on.